Where to begin....

I have started a ridiculous amount of blogs in my life, but like a lot of things in my life, I just never finish them. One of those personality traits I need to work on, either that or I am a closet ADD'r and just too old to do a friggin thing about it.

About the only thing I have completed in my life is being a mother, and trust me there have been times I wish I could have chucked that out the window as well, the saying "I believe in retroactive abortion" became my mantra throughout some of the kids growing up. But be-that-as-it-may, I am a mother and still am a mother, though with the last of the chicks having flown the nest (albeit a forced flight) I don't feel like I am completely immersed in the day to day, hour to hour, minute to excruitiating minute of being a full fledged parent, but just about the time I get complacent in my current parental status, something happens that calls me back to my full-fledged status.

God I do ramble on, this is not at all what I had intended my first post to be about, so one moment please while I redirect my brain and get back to the matter at hand..............................................................................................................................

Ok thats better. Here is my history in as brief a version as I can make it. I am born...LOL no really I was born, but no need in going back that far.

I am a 50 year old woman, currently in the body of a 79 year old woman - but that is changing - two months ago it was closer to the body of a 90 year old woman. Now don't get me wrong, I hope when I am 90 I look this good, but I think the idea here is to say " Lady, you are 50 years old and you are as healthy as a 90 year old woman" which is not really a good thing. My mother is 82 and I dread feeling like she does, both mentally and physically. Ok so health wise I have some things to work on and I am doing just that. I am diabetic, I eat like shit - well I did, remember I am going back to the 90 year old age. My breasts are questionable (according to a mamo) and my vagina is turning into my enemy (according to my latest Pap) I suffered my first case of sciatica a few months ago and I have never, this includes giving birth 3 times, been in such pain. The pain lingers and there is a defecit on that side, so now I am a 50/90 year old woman who walks with a limp, whose hoo hoo is rotting off and breasts are dragging the ground hiding possible cancer indications.

I am a remarried widow, and it only took me 5 times to get that right ( yes you read that correctly I have been married 5 times. No they all didn't end in widowhood, (although there were a couple of them I wish would have) but I have made peace with all of that.

I have 3 kids, youngest is 19 and is going through some health issues of her own, but let her get her own blog cuz this one is about me.

I was raised in Arizona and I became accustomed to having every minute drop of water sucked from my body in the summer when it is 115 degrees and 2% humidity, I got used to having an avg yearly rainfall of .00000004, and realizing that when the sun sets it might not get below 100 degrees in mid summer. I was happy with all that, it was really all that I knew. Then I remarried after the death of my husband.

A lovely man who has an adorable accent that I berate him about losing and his becoming more and more americanized as time goes on. But he is not only good at being a husband he is good at his job and recently was offered a managment position that has required us relocating to Florida. Aside from the immense amount of sun and the heat, Arizona and Florida are about as similar as night and day, and I am trying to adjust. Instead of tarantulas the size of toasters crawling in my house in the early morning hours, I am dealing with birds on steriods the size of ostriches that love to stand outside my enclosed( thankgod) patio and honk/croak at my dogs who are in turn barking their best "get the hell out of here you ugly freak" bark. Instead of dry early mornings that go from a comfy 80 degrees to 100 degrees as soon as the sun hits the horizon I am dealing with 75 degrees and 90 % humdity leaving everything dew covered including my dogs as they happily run off to chase the poopy ducks ( Muscovy ducks that poop on EVERYTHING) into the lake sometimes ending up in the lake with them. They then return and stare at me with complete indignance as if to say " why the fuck didnt you tell me there was a lake there" Instead of a few mosquitos lazily floating around easily swatted away who disintegrate as the heat of the day hits their bodies, I am dealing with becoming a walking banquet each time I step out of the shelter of my house. Frogs. Ok we have frogs in Arizona, but they are normally found out near the VERY few water sources that dot the landscape in Arizona, here we have hoards that like to stick themselves to the walls and windows of the house each evening, and for dogs, old petrified frog carcasses make great chew toys.

Speaking of frogs, we were walking the dogs the other night and suddenly found my arm being yanked from it socket. I followed the lead down to the offending dog (Chili) and he was doing his best to get up close and personal to something under a small tree nearby. Now my eyes are not the best, diabetes has taken its toll on them, so all I could see was the trunk of the tree, soon all three dogs were in the vacinity of Chili doing the same "leave my feet as far back from this as I can while stretching my neck to the point of dislocation to figure out what this odd creature might be". I think they convince themselves they would have a good head start in distance if their legs remain 2 feet back from the rest of their body, just in case this might pose some threat to their little doggie selves.

I started to walk closer to see what it was that was causing the ruckus and all of a sudden one of the biggest bullfrogs I have ever seen in my life came hopping out of the huddle of dog noses. The 3 dogs reacted to this sudden movement by scattering with all the grace of a bull in a china shop knocking each other over to get away from this thing that could reach heights of incredible proportion. Cheddar (who is the smallest of the three, yet has little man complex and thinks he is the toughest) started yelping from fright, and I am not sure but I think the others peed on themselves. I pee'd on myself laughing. Ok no one is allowed to repeat that, I am old I have weak bladdar syndrome.

Anyway, so this is a bit of a culture shock to me. A desert rat who is attempting to redefine herself into a swamp rat and it is not a pretty site many times. But I am nothing if not resourceful and I must find a way. Sort of sink or swim, and believe me with all the lakes/ponds/sinkholes/gulf of Mexico/Atlantic Ocean/rivers/creeks/rain/ there are plenty of places to swim in this strange little peninsula they call the state of Florida.

Next up....Hurricanes. OMG hurricanes?!?!?!